UNSEEN. UNHEARD. UNKNOWN.

Hands

I am erasing parts of my culture.

Growing up Filipino, we have this thing called “Papaya Soap”. It’s a soap that could whiten your skin. So many people I know would use it: my brother, my sister, my mom... I would even use it too... I remember rubbing the soap so deeply against my skin every day just so I could appear lighter, and more like the people I would see on TV. I wanted to be just like them. I straightened my hair, I would bring sandwiches to lunch instead of my mom’s Filipino dishes, I stopped speaking Tagalog, and I never wanted to have a bunch of Asian friends or go to the “Asian tree” after school where all the Asians would hang out.
I wanted to be like them: those images in the magazine, those people on the TV - the apparent standard of everything beautiful and right. I was embarrassed to be Filipino. I was embarrassed to be who I am.

Feet

I am searching for myself.

In most aspects of my identity, I’ve always just been in the middle. Not this or that, but a little bit of both. I’m too American to be Filipino, I’m too Filipino to be American; I don’t fit into the mold of high femininity, but I don’t see myself as a “tomboy”; I am attracted to men, I am attracted to women, but not in the same ways. This crisis of identity and no sense of belonging crippled my growth as a teenager. It confused the shit out of me. I didn’t even know who I was. It felt like I was constantly moving around, not being able to stand still. Most of my teenage years feel like such a blur because I never stopped searching. I was lost... and because of that I let the pressure from the outside world mold my sense of being.

But, eventually… I started to slow down and really evaluate myself. Everything suddenly started to click into place and make sense once I realized that identity is a work in progress. I have grown to be comfortable with being in the middle, it’s not confusion, it’s complexity. There’s a freedom with not having to fit into the box that society is trying so hard to put you in..

Lips

I am trying to be proud.

I wasn’t sure if I could trust you enough to talk about this... This has always been something I’ve been so sure of, but yet I find myself still struggling with it. I hate having to “come out” to you because I always feel like I have to explain myself. It’s none of your business what I do in my private life, but I feel like it’s a part of myself I have to share with you. I can’t truly be myself until I tell you. I hate that. I hate that I sometimes feel ashamed of that part of me, that I can’t hold my girlfriend’s hand in public without feeling like I have to hide. This is the part of myself that I am afraid of confronting because I feel like a hypocrite. Did I tell you that my parents don’t even know?

In private, I’m out and proud, but in public, that’s where the shame starts. My art is where the private and the public interlap, and that’s where I know I have to be true to myself because authenticity is showing who you are through what you make. Doing this is very scary to me, it took me a long time to write all of this down. But here I am, in my most complete and honest form… and I trust you.

Eyes

I am representing my community.

The reason why I am pursuing filmmaking is because I want to create work that increases the representation of people who are not typically seen in the media. Representation goes a long way - its impact can reach so many people around the world. It allows people to feel like they are being seen, being heard, and being known. I remember the first time I saw myself on screen. It was so so so powerful, and it was the first time I realized how much I’ve been starved of it, starved of this representation. The lack of Asian representation in films alone is shocking to me, given the fact that there is such a wide variety of Asian culture all around the world. This invisibility in the media makes me feel as if I don’t matter, that my culture doesn’t matter. So when people say, “Why does it always have to be about race?” “Why can’t you just enjoy the film?”, I know when they say that they haven’t understood what invisibility feels like. Media is so powerful and so far-reaching, and as future filmmakers, we have the ability to create stories that are inclusive to those who are underrepresented, to those who are often seen as invisible. We have the power to make art that can impact people’s lives.

Head

I am okay with not being okay.

My mind has a heartbeat of its own - it is its own person, controlling everything I do, and every move I make in the world. My mind is ridiculously powerful - sometimes I feel like it can kill me… swallow me whole. It has two distinct personalities: one that takes care of me, and provides me happiness and contentment; the other shames me, puts me down, telling me that whatever I do nothing will ever be enough. Most of the time, I function in the ‘in-between’ of these two, this ‘in-between’ is what allows me to survive - them keeping each other at bay.

My mind is so powerful, but it’s the basis of who I am today - it burdens me that my view of the world will forever be tainted by some sort of fear, anxiety, and paranoia, but despite all of this, my mind is what allows me to create art, find joy, and search for meaning. My journey with mental illness is finding ways to embrace and accept it. Because it will never go away. Its intensity can only be reduced. I’ve accepted that this is the price I have to pay.